Why?

Technical note: (Internet Mom puts on English Professor Hat)

You might think about all those rhymes so close together....Rhymes that are too close can cause the mind to trivialize the content in a poem, although they can work just fine in a song lyric. This reads like a printed song lyric, rather than a poem, which is fine if that's what you're aiming for. But if it's not, you might want to see if you could recast it - counting on how you want people to experience it.

The two things I see that most interfere with the flow of good poetry meant to be read off a page are: rhymes that are close together, and having too many lines end in full stops, instead of comma pauses, which encourage the reader to go to the next line. The effect on the silent reader is that it's sing-songy or choppy to his or her inner ear. Just thought I'd throw that realization of at ya to play with.

(Takes off English Professor mortarboard, takes a deep sigh, and relaxes)